13: It Does Get Better

Let's all get into the wayback machine and imagine it's June of 2017. Our hero/ine (me); has a great relationship, a steady M-F office job, and has been benefiting from major lifestyle changes. Those lifestyle changes had begun as a holistic approach to managing diagnosed Depression and ended up having the minor side effect of massive (seriously massive) weight loss. Our hero/ine was feeling confident, healthy, and even in love with themselves.

Enter, a pickup truck sandwich. Ooooh... plot twist! I was driving a KIA Soul that day. A pedestrian was in the cross walk on a stretch of two lane road without stop signs. A line of traffic had stopped to let them go through. I was sitting behind a pickup truck when another pickup hit me from behind, going about 40 mph. Needless to say, I was the cheese in that sandwich. The KIA was totaled and I was rattled up real good.

The next year was not pretty. In the process of medical review from the wreck, it was discovered that I had degenerative disc disease. This is basically arthritis of the spine where the cartilage between the discs and sometimes the discs themselves are crumbling. The wreck had rattled that up pretty bad. I spent six months in physical therapy, regaining the ability to do more than hobble. During those six months, my relationship broke up and one of my best friends was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. A few months after that, I found out that my office job was being sent overseas. All of this resulted in me regaining some (luckily not all) of the weight and my Depression spiraling out of control.

It took almost everything I had to keep up with basic tasks like going to work, paying bills, showering, etc. I accepted a promotion at work, even though I knew the job was going overseas in a few months. I figured that it was good experience and would look nicer on my resume for the job hunt. Slowly, I regained more mobility. In addition, the kinds of job offers that I was receiving on the hunt confirmed that my skills and background were valued. I know I shouldn't, but I do place a lot of my own value on how others value me. In this case, it worked out for me. Employers actually competed for me, including my original one. I was offered, and accepted, a role to stay on with them; receiving a further promotion within an extremely short time.

My work life and my mobility were both on the upswing. My personal life, not so much. The work schedule prevented me from having much of a social life and my friend's cancer was getting no better. My last real visit with them was kind of a mess for multiple reasons and a few months after, they passed. Around the same time that they passed, I lost several other friends with no warning. Also, my two senior dogs went within that same six week period. I hit mental bottom, once again.

Unlike a lot of folks who suffer with Depression, I'm not seriously a threat for suicide. I am, by nature, a logical thinker. I think my way out of doing it whenever the thought crosses my mind. My decisions are almost never spur of the moment, involving extensive lists of pros and cons. This does frequently require an actual spreadsheet breakdown. I'm more likely to get frozen in the decision making process than I am to make a rash decision. This mental lock has made me look unmotivated from the outside for most of my life. It took me over ten years to get my first tattoo. I'm not going to just off myself. The cons list is much larger than the pros list by a large margin and hasn't changed much over the years.

Welp, the only way to go was to go up. Even with the terrible work schedule, I started figuring out ways to get together with friends. I took the chance to start shaving people out of my life that were not good for my mental and/or physical health. I also stepped back from being overly engaged in the constant state of rage that the current political regime of the United States creates. More time with people I love, less time with people I don't, and picking my battles all had positive impact on me. The improvement in my mental state started giving me the energy to work on the physical. Between returning to taking my walks and paying attention to my food intake, I began dropping some of the regained weight.

When an opening in the morning/day crew came up at work, I swooped it. Against all evidence to the contrary, I've discovered that I really am a day person. I get more done in less time on the day shift than I ever did on the night shift. I'm also more alert and engaged at home. This has allowed me to have more of a social life and more active time during daylight hours. I've rejoined one gaming group and a second looks to be starting back up. My cosplay plans are picking back up, including an invitation to join a group cosplay. I've hung out with more friends in the last month than I did in most of the last year. I'm digging back into my interest in esoterica and the occult. (I seriously griped to my mother that I couldn't find a copy of "The Satanic Bible" at local bookstores and her response was for me to go look online.) I like having all of this energy again.

Hopefully, you folks enjoy the ride.