03: Closets and Flags Aren't One Size Fits All
We celebrated National Coming Out Day a few weeks ago and a version of this post is partially what inspired this blog. I’ll be expanding on some of the ideas from the Book of Faces post.
That I am queer should come as zero surprise to all of you. The name of the blog... duh. Shit, I set off orbital gaydar. People have joked about me being obviously queer since I was a little girl shaving off Barbie's hair and having her kick GI Joe's ass. When the other little girls were going to school dressed as princesses, I went as a knight or Luke Skywalker. In my retail and food service days, complete strangers tried to fix me up with their “dyke cousin” or “granddaughter who likes girls.”
My own acknowledgment of my orientation and gender expression has come in fits and starts. I've always struggled with social rules (yay, adult diagnosis with Asperger's). Everything/everyone has always had to fit in it's label and follow specific rules, otherwise I’m not completely sure how to interact. As a child born in the 70s to a very loving and lefty mom. Our household was always full of a beautiful rainbow of queers, hippies, and factory workers. My mom was also a firm believer in the ‘if they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to get the answer’ philosophy. This allowed me to know and accept the people labels of the time. People were bio gender or transgender. Bio gender folks came in male, female, and intersex. Some male/female bio gender folks cross dressed. People were gay, straight, or bisexual. The available gender expressions and orientations mixed to give what I thought of (as a child) loads of options.
I was sure that I was a cross dresser of my bio gender. Girl clothes sucked. You couldn’t fit an action figure in the pockets. Pink showed dirt too easily and skirts got caught in things. There was also the risk of skirts flying up and showing off your underwear. I also didn't feel the need to change my gender. I just was what I was... a girl who liked dressing like a boy.
I was also sure that I was a Bisexual. I knew I liked girls, but boys were fun too. I discovered (much too late to avoid hurting several fine young men) that I wasn't sexually or romantically attracted to boys in any way. In my unclear understanding of emotions and relationship dynamics, I was confusing “bromance” with romance. I tried Lesbian next and it also didn't quite fit. I was also realizing that "cross dresser" wasn't quite the right place either.
My large list of options wasn’t large enough, apparently. Luckily, the young people came to my rescue with all sorts of new to me labels. My own mental need for hard line rules and labels interacted with my not fitting into the existing ones in a way that had begun to be seriously damaging. Thank you young people for bringing in all your crazy new flags and additions to the queer alphabet soup.
At it’s core, I have zero interest in engaging in sex. It doesn’t gross me out or anything. I’ve been to enough of the right kinds of events and parties that I’ve seen people get it on in person. I’m also well aware of the fact that the internet is for porn and I write steamy fiction of my own. I’m just not interested in engaging in it myself. This gave me the Asexual label. I'm not Aromantic. I do experience strong emotional and mental attraction to people. I just don’t experience sexual attraction. This attraction does tend to be more for feminine types than others. I’m also not touch averse. I do like cuddles with both partners and friends.
As to gender, I was a girl because that's what everyone else called me and what my body very obviously displayed. Mentally, I had never attached a strong sense of identity to gender. I'm good being boy, girl, both, neither. My feelings on this wanders enough that Genderfluid is the best label. I played both male and female roles in theater, all the way back to elementary school. I even got to be the rescuing hero a couple times. My hometown wasn't that progressive. We just had almost no boys in theater and I was the girl willing to cross that line. This carried on into tabletop and live action role-playing. My groups didn't care that I played guys. I'd also discovered Drag King and even got on stage a few times. I don't think of my clothing as male or female. They're just clothes and it doesn't matter which department I got them in. My pronouns aren't hard-line. I'll answer to he, she, they, spoopy, etc. Just don't call me late to dinner. (Or late anywhere, lateness gives me anxiety attacks.)
Since I live in Utah, the inevitable question about polygamy comes up when discussing queerness and alternative relationship models. Mormon fundamentalist polygamy is a terrible system rife with abuse and should in no way be comparable to queerness or consensual polyamory. I’m totally cool with polyamory, so long as all of the partners are all consenting adults. If everyone communicates openly, it can be successful. The behaviors of all involved just become magnified, whether it is good or bad. Like my gender, I’m personally not overly concerned with my own relationship type. I’m good being monogamous or polyarmorous. If my partner/s get something from others that I can’t give, more power to them. I’ve just discovered that dating outside of my own species (geek) doesn’t work.
Now, here is the part that might piss some people off. I don’t believe in outing most people. Being out of the closet is a very personal journey and each person should choose it for themselves. Sometimes it is just safer for people to be in the closet. The only reason I qualify this with a “most people” is that I do believe that some people need to be forcibly outed. We should out people who are acting in ways harmful to other queer folks; like politicians making anti-queer laws and preachers who teach hate from the pulpit.
That I am queer should come as zero surprise to all of you. The name of the blog... duh. Shit, I set off orbital gaydar. People have joked about me being obviously queer since I was a little girl shaving off Barbie's hair and having her kick GI Joe's ass. When the other little girls were going to school dressed as princesses, I went as a knight or Luke Skywalker. In my retail and food service days, complete strangers tried to fix me up with their “dyke cousin” or “granddaughter who likes girls.”
My own acknowledgment of my orientation and gender expression has come in fits and starts. I've always struggled with social rules (yay, adult diagnosis with Asperger's). Everything/everyone has always had to fit in it's label and follow specific rules, otherwise I’m not completely sure how to interact. As a child born in the 70s to a very loving and lefty mom. Our household was always full of a beautiful rainbow of queers, hippies, and factory workers. My mom was also a firm believer in the ‘if they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to get the answer’ philosophy. This allowed me to know and accept the people labels of the time. People were bio gender or transgender. Bio gender folks came in male, female, and intersex. Some male/female bio gender folks cross dressed. People were gay, straight, or bisexual. The available gender expressions and orientations mixed to give what I thought of (as a child) loads of options.
I was sure that I was a cross dresser of my bio gender. Girl clothes sucked. You couldn’t fit an action figure in the pockets. Pink showed dirt too easily and skirts got caught in things. There was also the risk of skirts flying up and showing off your underwear. I also didn't feel the need to change my gender. I just was what I was... a girl who liked dressing like a boy.
I was also sure that I was a Bisexual. I knew I liked girls, but boys were fun too. I discovered (much too late to avoid hurting several fine young men) that I wasn't sexually or romantically attracted to boys in any way. In my unclear understanding of emotions and relationship dynamics, I was confusing “bromance” with romance. I tried Lesbian next and it also didn't quite fit. I was also realizing that "cross dresser" wasn't quite the right place either.
My large list of options wasn’t large enough, apparently. Luckily, the young people came to my rescue with all sorts of new to me labels. My own mental need for hard line rules and labels interacted with my not fitting into the existing ones in a way that had begun to be seriously damaging. Thank you young people for bringing in all your crazy new flags and additions to the queer alphabet soup.
At it’s core, I have zero interest in engaging in sex. It doesn’t gross me out or anything. I’ve been to enough of the right kinds of events and parties that I’ve seen people get it on in person. I’m also well aware of the fact that the internet is for porn and I write steamy fiction of my own. I’m just not interested in engaging in it myself. This gave me the Asexual label. I'm not Aromantic. I do experience strong emotional and mental attraction to people. I just don’t experience sexual attraction. This attraction does tend to be more for feminine types than others. I’m also not touch averse. I do like cuddles with both partners and friends.
As to gender, I was a girl because that's what everyone else called me and what my body very obviously displayed. Mentally, I had never attached a strong sense of identity to gender. I'm good being boy, girl, both, neither. My feelings on this wanders enough that Genderfluid is the best label. I played both male and female roles in theater, all the way back to elementary school. I even got to be the rescuing hero a couple times. My hometown wasn't that progressive. We just had almost no boys in theater and I was the girl willing to cross that line. This carried on into tabletop and live action role-playing. My groups didn't care that I played guys. I'd also discovered Drag King and even got on stage a few times. I don't think of my clothing as male or female. They're just clothes and it doesn't matter which department I got them in. My pronouns aren't hard-line. I'll answer to he, she, they, spoopy, etc. Just don't call me late to dinner. (Or late anywhere, lateness gives me anxiety attacks.)
Since I live in Utah, the inevitable question about polygamy comes up when discussing queerness and alternative relationship models. Mormon fundamentalist polygamy is a terrible system rife with abuse and should in no way be comparable to queerness or consensual polyamory. I’m totally cool with polyamory, so long as all of the partners are all consenting adults. If everyone communicates openly, it can be successful. The behaviors of all involved just become magnified, whether it is good or bad. Like my gender, I’m personally not overly concerned with my own relationship type. I’m good being monogamous or polyarmorous. If my partner/s get something from others that I can’t give, more power to them. I’ve just discovered that dating outside of my own species (geek) doesn’t work.
Now, here is the part that might piss some people off. I don’t believe in outing most people. Being out of the closet is a very personal journey and each person should choose it for themselves. Sometimes it is just safer for people to be in the closet. The only reason I qualify this with a “most people” is that I do believe that some people need to be forcibly outed. We should out people who are acting in ways harmful to other queer folks; like politicians making anti-queer laws and preachers who teach hate from the pulpit.
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